Crooked Tooth Cure?

While driving to work this morning I was listening to the local “all-news” station on the radio when I heard a Public Service Announcement concerning “Do-it-yourself teeth straightening”.

The announcement droned on for a full minute starting with how DIY was all the rage these days and how the internet was making wonderful information available to everyone, but that some things simply shouldn’t be attempted at home.

And went on to explain that tooth and jaw repositioning was a medical procedure and really needed to be performed by a licensed medical professional;  and that when done incorrectly it could cause loss of teeth, gum damage, jaw miss-alignment, and a whole list of other problems.

And finished with a tag-line “brought to you by” some Orthodontist non-profit advisory group.


I had several immediate thoughts.

“Do-it-yourself” may be all the “rage” these days, but there sure is a heck of a lot less of it now than there was when I was a kid.  Heck, back then there wasn’t even a term “do-it-yourself”.  And every backyard and garage was filled with projects.  I never knew anyone growing up whose garage was sheet-rocked.  But everywhere kids had bikes turned upside-down greasing bearings, cars had transmissions dropped and being torn down, and skeletal structures of bird coops, rabbit runs, and fences were being built.  We never considered any of that “do it yourself”.  We didn’t even consider it, we just got it done.

And then came; “Why is some portion of my taxes being used to pay six-figure salaries to a bunch of thugs with the FCC who are extorting the local radio station to give free air time in exchange for their transmitting license so some ‘for profit’ doctor’s group can effectively have free advertising for their business?”  When I was a kid, the dentists and orthodontists all lived in the better parts of the country clubs and prices are a lot higher today than they were back then.  Let them pay for their own advertising I say.

Then, there’s the question; “Are there really so many people out there who are doing their own ill-advised teeth straightening that we need a public service announcement spewing forth to millions of people telling them not to do something this stupid?”

Paired with the question; “And even if there are, are any of those idiots listening to an all-news channel?”

Then of course the really dismal; “Damn it, ‘fix my own buck-toothers’ vote in state and federal elections.”  And while that may well explain recent election outcomes, it’s still a disturbing thought.


Then, a moment of crystalline awareness settled on me.

If “tooth and jaw relocation” was a medical procedure and could only be performed by a health care professional….

I could sue my brothers for malpractice, for several specific incidences of it in fact.  And, I might even be able to create a class action lawsuit if I could get my teeth to be treated individually.

I smugly smiled to myself for a mile or two, until I realized that if I won, whatever I won, I would likely loose in the countersuits to follow.

© Copyright 2016 Marty Vandermolen