I’ve sold electronic scientific instrumentation; I ‘ve sold paint, nuts, bolts, garden sprayers, plants, chemicals, and lightbulbs; I’ve sold “cleaner land” and “Cleaner air”; and visions of a better society through community non-profit groups; not to mention toilet bowl brushes and even flower seeds door to door.
And even before that first door to door job selling packets of flower and vegetable seeds, I sold my parents on believing that as the youngest, I was the least culpable on any of the various wild escapades my brothers and I pulled.
And speaking of brothers, much to their dismay, I sold my mother on the idea that the family dog constantly stole part of my graham cracker, thus getting an entire new cracker and a warden’s care while the second cracker was fully consumed.
Yep, it has often been rumored that not only could I sell a freezer to an Eskimo, but I could double back and sell the same Eskimo an automatic ice-maker for the freezer.
So in my life, I have spent my share of time and more mouthing the “unfailingly colorful” language of sales. And I don’t mind the occasional stretch of truth, of twist of perspective that is used in the sales spiel and advertisement, although I find any number of them truly humorous. Such as:
U-Haul Corporation's long standing “Adventures in Moving” – let’s be honest, of all the times you’ve wanted an adventure, it was never in the middle of a move. Nope, Everyone I have ever known simply prays for an uneventful moving process, never for an “adventure”.
Or Chevy’s “Like a Rock” tag line for their trucks – Surely they aren’t implying that when I get it off road it is going to sink in the mud “like a rock”, accelerate ‘like a rock”, and they can’t be trying to compare their trucks hill climbing capability to a rock’s, which we all know roll downhill and never up.
Recently I have been noticing that flamboyant phrases have been slipping into food advertising. But to a more insidious purpose. In food advertising these wild tag lines are being used to subtly imply that some particular food is good for you. Like:
Red/cherry licorice sticks that proudly claim “no Fat” – Of course stupid, their 100% sugar….they will cause your body to build fat, but they don’t contain fat.
KFC’s “Finger Lickin’ Good” – maybe, but the real reason to lick your fingers is because if you try to use a napkin, that gelatinous fat that oozed out of the chicken is going to turn the napkin into instant papier-mâché right there on your skin and then you’ll need a sandblaster or pressure washer to get your hands clean.
Then I noticed that the “language stretchers” had wormed their way into the mainstay food we eat and at that point, I decided to launch my own little pushback campaign.
A couple years back I was in a grocery store and saw a colorful plastic tub in the Dairy section with shelf signs proclaiming “Non-fat Sour Cream”. I couldn’t help myself.
I picked up one of the tubs and walked up to the front of the store, there I asked the clerk to call the store manager. When the manager arrived, I asked him; “do you know what cream is”?, He looked at me slightly confused. So I said; “When I was in school, I was taught that cream is the liquid and semi solid fats that rise to the top of whole milk and are skimmed off”.
“That’s right” he said, smiling benignly.
“Then how come you’re defrauding the public selling “Non-fat” sour cream?
I’m not defrauding anyone” says the manager
“Look”, I said; “this can either be cream, which is fat, or it can be non-fat, which means its not cream, but it can’t be non-fat cream….so one way or the other, your defrauding the customer”.
You know, I have hit 4 or 5 grocery managers with that issue. Not a one of them can explain it. But everyone has seriously tried.
And then several months ago I was wandering around picking up some fruit and vegetables. When I was going through the checkout process the clerk asked me if the carrots I had were organic. I told her, sure, all carrots are organic. She punched in some keys and the price per pound was exorbitant.
I told her the price was too high, She said; “No, that’s the price for organic carrots, the non-organic carrots are less expensive. I said, well, then have someone get me some carrots that are not organic.
The Veggie guy come hustling up with some “non-organic carrots, sees the carrots I selected and says to the Cashier; “those carrots he has are non-organic”.
I stopped him and said: “Do you know what the word organic means?” “The definition of Organic is ‘relating to or derived from living matter’ and that carrot came from a living plant, in fact, if I plant it and water it, will regrow a living plant”. “Therefore that is an organic carrot”.
Neither the cashier nor the veggie guy ever “cleared the fog” so to speak and they were still trying to convince me that my carrots were non-organic when I left the store. Oh, I got my carrots at the “non-organic carrot” price. And went home and happily crunched on them.
Most recently, I was headed into a Carl’s Jr fast food place a few weeks back and noticed their big banner on the Door: “All New Veggie Burger, The Burger that goes beyond the beef”.
I couldn’t help myself.
When I got up to the order counter, I said to the cashier: “I’m Confused”, I see your “Beyond the Burger” choice, but thought that it was a veggie burger”.
The cashier assured me that it was. By this point, the Manager was listening in, so I turned my focus on him. To him I said: “But veggies are what the cow eats to make beef, so a veggie burger is BEFORE the beef, not beyond the beef”.
At least this guy realized I was joyfully yanking his chain and he simply chuckled and said; “You know, I hadn’t thought of it like that, but your right”.
I ordered grilled chicken instead.
© Copyright 2018, Marty Vandermolen, All Rights Reserved
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