In thinking about them, I realized that he had used a bit of humor to address a subject that was very real and very sensitive between fathers and daughters. And so, I decided to sit down and follow in his footsteps working from his draft to rework and modify a set of rules that would work for my daughter and me.
When I brought them home and gave a set to her, I can still remember Allison sitting on the hearth with her back to the hot woodstove, reading, laughing, and smiling at both the words on paper and the feelings that were behind them.
When Allison finished reading them she looked up and said: “I’d take these in to school and show them to the boys…but then I would have to spend time explaining to them that you were serious”.
Rules to Date My Daughter – as modified by Marty Vandermolen
Before I get into the specific rules associated with dating my daughter, it is only reasonable that I spend a moment or two letting you get acquainted with me.
I am comfortably over 6 feet tall and tip the scales at close to 250 pounds. I am a genial man who likes to see everyone around him live up to their best potential, and in point of fact, in your case, I will insist on that. I wrestle 1,000 pound 55 gallon drums around for a living; I fish, hunt, and have been known to plunge into a thicket of brush right behind some bear that stole something from camp, and have in fact retrieved every last item. Despite all of that, my wife has been known to say; “Marty is the easiest man in the world to live with, as long as he gets things his way, and he usually does.”
Now that we know a little bit about each other (oh, yes, I know you; I was you once), let’s get a couple things clear about dating Allison.
Rule #1
My daughter’s name is Allison. Her name is not “Mamma”, “Homegirl”, “Babe”, “Yo Bitch”, “Skank”, “Pass Around” or any other name or term currently in the vocabulary your age group uses to identify young women. With her permission, you may call her by her nickname “Allie”. If I hear any of these other terms used to refer to my sweet girl you will have earned an immediate response from me, her father.
Rule #2
I am Allison’s father. You can call me “Sir”. This is as in “Yes, Sir”, “No, Sir”, “I wouldn’t even think of it, Sir”, and “I will definitely remember this valuable advice, Sir”.
Rule #3
Do not touch my daughter in front of me as it may provoke an unpleasant and admittedly, probably overly aggressive response on my part. You may glance at her if you like; as long as your glances are from the neck up.
Rule #4
When a woman says “No”, it means “No”. However, when Allison says “No” it means “If you don’t immediately stop what you are doing I will tell my Dad, and very soon, when you are alone and least expect it, he will be standing behind you in the dark with a grin on his face waiting for you to turn around so you and he can have a ‘friendly’ conversation” about modifying your behavior.
Rule #5
If you stop in front of my house and honk, you had better be delivering pizza. If I learn that you are honking for my daughter, I will come outside and twist your honker off. The same holds true if you yell or whistle for her. One yells at idiots and whistles for dogs…my daughter is neither, and if I for even one moment have reason to think that you believe she is, right after twisting off your honker, I will move on to other select portions of your anatomy.
Rule #6
When you meet me for the first time, please do not feel uncomfortable if it appears that I am staring at you. I only do that when I meet someone that I may later have cause to go looking for and it is a time honored system that has proven to minimize the potential of some innocent bystander being injured in a misunderstanding.
Rule #7
Please bring my daughter back home in the same shape she left. This extends to the condition of her clothes as well. Drive carefully and safely. Protect her from drunks and obnoxious people. Do not coax her to try drugs, alcohol, or sex. Always be ready to throw your body between her and any type of injury flying in her direction. It is your job to protect her when she is with you, and if she should come to anything that I would define as harm and you aren’t bloodied and bruised, believe me when I assure you; you will be.
Rule #8
Do not spread around school or to your friends any stories about my daughter, whether true or untrue. If you do, be prepared to explain to those same people how it is that you appear to have run into a large roll of falling concertina wire in the dark or some other equally plausible explanation for the condition you will be in when next they see you.
Rule #9
I am aware it is considered fashionable for boys your age to put “hickeys” on the necks of their girlfriends. I can only guess that it is done to show your friends how passionate your time with my daughter has been. I would refer you to Rule # 8 above and tell you that while you may think you are communicating how passionate you can be, what you are really telling me is that you place no value on your health or well-being. Oh, and as a side note, history has proven that full body casts are effective passion reduction devices.
Rule #10
Allison will always have a specific time in the evening when I expect her home. Please take this curfew seriously because I will not be able to sleep until I know that she has returned home safely. If you bring her home too late, or God forbid, the next morning, the unsmiling camouflaged face staring through the window of your car will be mine.
Hopefully, my final comment:
Young man, if you are still reading these rules you must really care for my daughter, and I place great value on that. Seriously, there is only one rule; “Care for my daughter, her heath, and her happiness as much as I do”, as long as you do, not only will you survive this relationship, you will have done so by virtue of proving that you are a man.
Copyright 2002 Marty Vandermolen All rights reserved
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